One thing they don’t warn you about going into academia is the business of making sense of your paycheck.
When I started working for the US government in 2000, I was bowled over by the bureaucracy. Compared to the lean, mean government of a UK emerging from the Thatcher years, it was like going back to the dark ages. There must have been a memo somewhere that stipulated it was a federal crime for one person to do a job that two could do more slowly.
But the federal government hasn’t got a patch on academia!
Take the business of getting paid for instance. Seasoned academics can tune out at this point, but for everyone else, here’s the dummy’s guide:
- The University of Michigan, like many other academic establishments, runs on a nine month year, going from September to May.
- A faculty member’s nine-month salary is spread over 12 months. However, for faculty arriving mid-year, some adjustments are needed. Until you hit September 1st, you are paid for the months of the academic year you work. However…
- The academic year is split into two semesters – September – December, and January – April. This leaves May as an orphan month. The solution to this? Half of May’s salary is paid in the first semester, and half in the second. Which means that if you join the establishment on January 1, you can waive good bye to half of May’s salary.
- Then there’s the University’s accounting year – which, no surprises, is different to the academic year. This runs from July to June. In other words, faculty get paid for nine months’ work between September – May, spread over 12 months, and paid between July – June.
- Which means that, if you start in September, by the time you get to the following August, you are missing a couple of months’ salary.
- As an elegant (?!) solution to this dilemma, new faculty get paid their missing two months salary up front. Great – as long as you remember that this is advance payment for the two months salary you loose when you eventually leave!
- Then there’s summer salary, but I’ll leave that for another day!
And I thought the rules of cricket were complicated!
The upshot of all this is that, when you see an academic exuding an air unworldly-ness, it’s not that they are on a higher plane – it’s just that they are confused as hell!
At least, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it!
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