There’s an absolute killer of a nanotechnology blog post over on placescope, if you are looking for something to brighten your day.  It appears to be based on some old Project on Emerging Nanotechnologies (PEN) press releases.  But the process of translation and re-translation has rendered them so wonderfully bizarre as to make any connection with the original piece entirely coincidental.

Some of the resulting turns of phrase are surely destined to become classics in nanotechnology circles.  But there’s plenty for non-nano affectionados to enjoy here as well, such is the genius of the writer.

The original article can be found here.  But rather than leaving you to plough through it on your own, here’s a guided tour of the juicy bits…

First though, a bit of context.  The piece addresses the regulation of engineered nanomaterials by the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), under the Toxic Substances Control Act (TSCA).  It harks back to a program the EPA started a couple of years back to encourage industry to provide information on the nanomaterials they are working on. Key characters in the piece (apart from EPA and TSCA) are J. Clarence (Terry) Davies, one of the original authors of TSCA and an expert on nanotechnology regulation, and David Rejeski, Director of the Project on Emerging Nanotechnologies.  And then there’s nanotechnology itself – but more of that later.  (I also make a cameo appearance, but much to my disappointment, I come across as reasonably sane).

All emphases in the quotes below are mine by the way.

The piece starts off on an positive note, referring to the EPA regulation formerly known as the Toxic Substances Control Act:

The U.S. Environmental Protection Medium (EPA) has published in the Federal Manifest its method for the Nanoscale Materials Stewardship Program under the Toxic Substances Hold back Act (TSCA).

This is followed by a decisive quote from the “Captain” of PEN, David Rejeski:

According to Project on Emerging Nanotechnologies (PEN) Captain David Rejeski, “The information obtained under the stewardship program could help government officials develop a cured understanding of the risks and benefits posed by the story materials.

Pondering how to help regulators cure their understanding (hopefully as in developing a better understanding, rather than treating a diseased one), Terry Davies adds:

Starting the stewardship program is a positive step toward padding in some of the news gaps facing the mechanism.

But then he throws caution to the wind, stating:

A sequential chat up advances will bugger off nanomaterials unregulated fitted afar too long, and choose also be less fruitful than if the two efforts proceed in tandem.

Strong stuff Terry!

The piece then moves back to EPA, and tackles the tricky issue of chemical ripeness:

In its announcement of the voluntary program, EPA also notes that it will not change its policy on what constitutes a unripe chemical under TSCA.

Reading this, I realize I have been under a misapprehension for years.  I thought that nanotechnology brought into question what constitutes a new chemical.  No wonder progress has been slow – I should have been talking to the agency about unripe chemicals all this time.  Doh!

The main article ends by summarizing the conclusions of a report published by PEN back in 2007:

The record recommends more than 25 actions that need to be entranced – by EPA, Congress, the President, the Public Nanotechnology Hustle, and the nanotech industry – to improve the blunder of nanotechnologies.

I’m still trying to work out what the Public Nanotechnology Hustle is – whatever it is, it better get on with improving those nanotechnology blunders!

To round things off, the piece includes some background information under the heading “Helter-skelter Nanotechnology,”  including a definition of nanotech that is worthy of the most exalted international standards committees:

Nanotechnology is the ability to measure, walk, manipulate and manufacture things usually between limerick and 100 nanometers. A nanometer is one billionth of a meter; a soul hair is roughly 100,000 nanometers wide.

It then has this to say about David Rejeski, who you will remember is the “Captain” of PEN, as well as director of the Foresight and Governance Project:

David Rejeski directs PEN and for the past four years he has been the Director of the Perspicacity and Governance Project at the Woodrow Wilson Center. He was a Visiting Fellow at Yale University’s School of Forestry and Environmental Studies and an agency representative (from EPA) to the White Dynasty Council on Environmental Quality (CEQ) … Earlier emotional to OSTP, he was head of the Future Studies Entity at EPA.

I must confess, I’m a little worried about the sound of this White Dynasty!

And what about the two organizations principally involved in the report I think is being reported on here – the Pew Charitable Trusts, and the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars?

The Pew Well-wishing Trusts … is driven by the power of discernment to solve today’s most challenging problems.

What a delightfully quaint re-interpretation of Pew’s name, although I’m not sure they would see it that way!  And finally:

The Woodrow Wilson Cosmopolitan Center over the extent of Scholars … is the living, national memorial to President Wilson established by Congress in 1968 and headquartered in Washington, D.C. The Center establishes and maintains a noncommittal forum for free, undefended, and informed dialogue. It is a nonpartisan sanatorium, supported by public and private funds and engaged in the reflect on of national and global affairs.

Magical stuff!

Enjoy more from placescope here.